The Bullshit We're Conditioned to Believe About Romantic Relationships


It's been nearly a decade since I’ve fallen madly in love with this magical being and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world but not for the reasons you may think. In the wake of Valentine’s day I’d like to share about our relationship and why I believe it is so perfect. A lot of people tend to romanticize our experience and I hope to bust some of these myths that keep us in a loop of misery.

For the most part we’re all conditioned to believe that a romantic relationship is the ultimate goal in life. That is a load of crap left over from a world where it was a woman’s only means of survival. Unless someone inspires you beyond comprehension there’s absolutely no need to seek a partnership for the sake of checking of a box and feeling “normal”. You can have a family and co-parent without playing this program.

There’s a largely accepted theory in the psychology field that explains our attraction to specific people. I find it to be true in my experiences. Imago theory suggests that we’re attracted to people who have the best and worst traits of our primary caregivers. We recreate our childhood environments because what is familiar feels safe but also it gives us an opportunity to heal our childhood inadequacies.

We all have trauma, even if it’s something minor like being startled by a dog, it can leave an imprint on the subconscious that will affect the rest of our lives unless it’s addressed.The reason my relationship is so perfect is because it’s been the greatest challenge to me that has completely transformed me a thousand times.

It’s a mirror that reflects the most disturbing traits and trauma adaptations, sometimes in a form of hurting the one you love the most. It is a request for self inquiry and evolution. It’s not always sexy, romantic and it doesn’t always feel good. It’s not for the faint of heart.

We spent Valentines Day dissecting the deepest aspects of our codependent patterns that we thought we already worked through. Instead of chocolates and lingerie we opted for tears, anxiety and puking. That’s what spiritual healing looks like and I live for this shit because on the other side there’s ultimate freedom and unconditional Love that is our birth right.

Our relationship works well because ultimately we are committed to ourselves as individuals and are unwilling to compromise on our boundaries. It’s easier said than done. Holding space for someone to grow is not an easy task but if I didn’t have that in my partnership I’d rather spend the rest of my life alone.

Don’t let V-Day sell you on the idea that you need a relationship to be normal or that it’s all about romance. We have to be willing to pay the price of vulnerability to gain that intimacy we crave.

“Self Love is the very first romance” -Akua Naru

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